Step Away

As a challenge to myself, I wrote a flash fiction piece that is exactly 1,000 words. I have submitted it to several journals and magazines and nobody wants it. It’s quite possible that it sucks. But, for now, it’s all I’ve got. I’ve been working on adapting Forever 51 into a television series. No, Hollywood isn’t knocking down my door. I’ve been doing it as a challenge to myself and I’m finding it quite fun. I’m not exactly known for my page long descriptions of a person or a setting, but I am pretty good at nailing the telling detail and dialogue.

Anyway, this little piece is about death. It was inspired by my daughter’s job as a gallery attendant at The Modern.

“Please step away from the artwork. Thank you,” Patricia chirped into the exalted air of gallery four. She no longer bothered to count the times she said this rote expression during an eight-hour shift, but it had to be more than fifty. After twenty-three years at the Modern, that statement had become as perfunctory as “hello” or “good morning” when someone finally managed to notice her watchful presence. Through the years, the wording of this warning had to be changed to coddle the line crossing culprits. The big wigs upstairs worried that short, direct pronouncements from lowly polyester wearing personnel might scare paying guests from returning. It really didn’t matter how she worded the admonishment; the sentiment remained the same—please back the fuck up, in as pleasant a tone as she could muster. She was always pleasant. Not that anyone noticed. Patrons rarely looked in her direction as she reprimanded their proximity to the paintings. Most folks let the sing-song intonation of her words roll off their skin, as if they weren’t really doing anything wrong by leaning in too close to examine a brush stroke or an illegible signature. In their minds they were okay, not like the other rabble who couldn’t tell a Rothko from a Rembrandt. Not that the Modern had any Rembrandt’s. Patricia would have liked that.

Today was her favorite day to be on shift. On Tuesdays, adult traffic was typically low, but the galleries still bustled with busloads of children from the local schools. She watched as volunteer docents lead the gaggle through her gallery, stopping at certain pieces to impart a tidbit of interesting information about the artist or the painting’s provenance. Most of the kids were carefully attentive, happy to be out of the classroom, but there were a few whose eyes wandered to where she stood. In the past, one of these children would catch her shifting into a different sex or skin color. They’d quickly avert their eyes, tug on their teacher’s shirt sleeve, then sneak another look while the road maps of age traveled over every inch of her visible skin. Their eyes widened in amazement as her hair grew, changed hue, or receded as if frightened, back into the pores of her freckled scalp. But, with a solitary blink of their disbelieving eyes, the transition would end as if it had never begun. To the young and imaginative, she was simply another work of art.

It would have been nice if she’d felt treasured but there was little time for that, as her transformation lasted less than thirty seconds. It didn’t help that the return to her body felt disgusting and squishy, like she was a formless blob rising from the bottom of a murky, algae-filled lake with leeches attempting to attach to her flesh. The instant she resumed residence into her own skin, she would gasp for air as if she’d been holding her breath, which she might have been. She never knew what transpired in those missing moments. So as not to frighten those around her, she masked this gasp with a cough, but this practice had become equally disturbing to patrons. Inevitably, the sauntering art snobs would glare in her direction, huff their displeasure, then stomp off to the next gallery as if she’d single-handedly ruined their whole museum experience. She tried not to take their annoyance personally. Perhaps if she understood the reason she changed, who she changed into, or what she did when not herself, it might be different, but it never happened when she was alone in the comfort of her own studio apartment. There were always people, usually adults, mulling around her looking either pensive or forlorn.

Three children led by a young, frazzled teacher entered the gallery. As they approached the Koons piece in the center of the room, the teacher gripped the shoulder of an exuberant boy who looked as if he might explode out of his skin. She whispered something near his right ear, then looked apologetically at Patricia. 

Patricia smiled in response, yet remained immobile, her gaze following the towheaded boy as he wriggled free from his teacher’s grasp. The boy whooped into the quiet room then zigzagged  towards the next gallery as if he were dodging bullets. Patricia’s fingers began to tingle. She quickly brought the radio to her lips and quietly intoned, “code three, gallery five,” before she was lost to the moment.

The boy and his teacher were now in the next room. His shrieks of happiness dissipated as if he were a memory.

“Grandma!” a little girl, no more than five squealed, tugging at Patricia’s fingers.

Startled, Patricia gazed at her other hand which still held the radio. Mottled with age and adorned with pink polish, it was not her own. She tucked the radio into the pocket of her blazer..

“I missed you,” the girl hugged Patricia’s legs, which were now swimming in loose fabric.

“I’m afraid,” Patricia leaned over, whispering to the girl. “I don’t know where I am.”

“Don’t be afraid, grandma. I’ve got you.” The girl grasped Patricia’s hand tighter. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”  Patricia’s gaze darted around the white walled room. “This isn’t right.”.

“Mommy said you went to heaven, but she was wrong. You’re here.”

“Is this heaven?”

“I don’t think so, grandma, we’re at the museum.”

The radio came to life in Patricia’s pocket. “Gallery four. We need you in gallery seven to relieve John for lunch.”

Patricia released the girl’s hand to inspect the chirping foreign object. She brought it closer to her face.

A crazed woman rushed into the room, scooping the girl into her arms. “Don’t ever run off like that. I was so worried.”

“Look mom,” the girl pointed at Patricia. “It’s grandma!”

Patricia coughed violently into her shoulder.

“That’s just a nice lady who works at the museum. It’s not nice to point.” She turned to Patricia. “Thank you so much for watching her.”

“You’re welcome. I’m always here.”





Unfinished Work

October 2019

Last week, I ventured to a little border town in Mexico all because a tight-lipped endodontist I’d been referred to in the states wouldn’t quote the cost of a root canal and crown before my upcoming appointment with him. Driving eight hours out of spite probably wasn’t the most sane or rational decision to make while my tooth was throbbing, but I did it. And you can too.

No passport? No problemo!

My mother and I departed Fort Worth on a Friday morning and drove eight hours to McAllen, TX. McAllen, unlike Weslaco, TX which is right on the border of Nuevo Progresso, has a lot more hotels, restaurants, shopping and even a few tourist attractions if you are inclined to make your venture down south more of a vacation. We opted for a reasonably priced chain that offered a free hot breakfast, which my mother and I both devoured before taking off for our appointments at the Texas Dental Clinic, which if I’m being totally honest, I’d picked because of the name.

After Google maps guided our twenty-five-minute drive from McAllen, we arrived at the International Bridge. On the right side of the street there is a parking lot with an attendant and it only costs $2.00 for the entire day. From the lot, we slowly made our way to the bridge. My mom is eighty-seven-years-old with back issues, so we ambled, which was fine by me. Experienced travelers sped by us with a sense of purpose carrying empty reusable bags or carts and appropriate change, which you don’t really need. I was surprised to discover that even cheaper than the parking lot rate was the rate to cross from the United States into Mexico. We each handed the attendant a dollar, which he exchanged for four quarters to feed the turnstile. And with four drops of our coins, we were on our way to another country. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

As we walked across the bridge, people below us called out for money, even directing their pleas for dinero to the “American lady with the green pants.” Me.  Once we reached the lower part of the bridge, a few cupped hands stretched through the slots hoping for some American change. (Aren’t we all?) Because I didn’t want to rifle through my wallet when I was carrying a considerable wad of cash for the dentist, I decided I’d catch them on the way back.

Once we entered the main drag, NAME OF STREET, it got a little claustrophobic for my liking. The left side of the sidewalk was lined with vendors (honey, hats, fake designer purses, sunglasses and t-shirts), while the right side of the street was jam-packed with pharmacies, dental offices, nail salons, barbers and various stores selling everything from Talavara tile to Tequila. Every few feet, men and women held out business cards, “Dentist, pharmacy, Botox, pedicure,” which at forty-nine-years of age and eight hours in the car with my mother, pretty much summed up everything I needed to feel or at least appear human again. I jest, my mom is a lovely traveling companion. I searched my phone’s map. The Texas Dental Clinic was on the next block across the street. While the people hawking their various services were plenty, they pretty much left you alone if you walked on by or said “no, thanks.” There was always someone right behind you.

Once inside the small, crowded clinic, I informed the receptionist that we had an appointment at 11 and then took a seat. As the clock ticked past 11:30, I realized that our appointment time was more of a guesstimate—just like in America. To kill the time, as I was unsure of my International phone surfing charges, I struck up a conversation with the man next to me. He lived in Mexico and was escorting his sister and two of her friends from Austin to the dentist. They were all frequent flyers who hailed this clinic as one of the best, which made me feel as if I’d made the right choice.

            Seeing as she only needed a check-up and a cleaning, my mom was called in first. From the lobby, I could hear her chatting away and charming whomever was working on the interior of her mouth. When it was my turn to go back, I didn’t have much of an opportunity to chat. The female dentist asked the reason for my visit.

“According to my dentist back home I need a root canal on this tooth right here,” I pointed to the painful tooth in the back corner of my mouth. “I just got it crowned in June.” She nodded in understanding, then asked me to open wide. Her assistant placed some sort of x-ray thing into the back of my mouth, then the dentist coolly looked at the image on the computer screen.

            “Yes, you need a root canal.”

            And with that, she instructed me to open wide again, while sneakily producing a large needle seemingly out of nowhere.

Wait, what? Aren’t you going to buy me dinner first?

            I, of course, complied without protests as she shot a shit load of Novocaine into the roof and gums of my mouth. Much to my dismay, there was no gentle swabbing of numbing cream beforehand or cooing with a pained facial expression that “I was going to feel a sting as she inserted the needle into my tender flesh.” Nope. At this point, I felt a wee bit sorry for myself. How could she be so insensitive? Isn’t that part of the job of the dentist, to warn me of impending discomfort? Or was I just being a pampered, American wimp?

            I hate to admit this, even to myself, but I think it was the latter. She left me while my mouth, along with my feelings, became numb.

 

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The luckiest Girl in the world

I’m not one to get terribly upset by the death of a celebrity, but for some reason, the death of Lisa Marie Presley, blanketed me in a feeling of melancholy.

I didn’t know her, I wasn’t a follower of her music, but as a kid, I though she was the luckiest girl in the world. My parents were fans of Elvis and my dad took my mom to see him at the International Hotel in August 1969, a year before I was born. At that concert, my dad tipped the maitre’d really well and got a table near the stage. When Elvis was kissing the ladies, he urged my mom to go get a kiss from the King. Unfortunately, she was too shy for a smooch. Ugh.

I probably would have been just as nervous to go get a kiss. Elvis was a handsome devil who was larger than life. In 1976, I named my first pets, a couple of hamsters, Elvis and Priscilla. Unlike the real Elvis, hamster Elvis tragically ate his offspring, which the real Elvis would never do. I lost interest in hamster Elvis after that.

Real Elvis died the day before my birthday on August 16, 1977. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news—planted, probably three inches away, in front of the boob tube surrounded by a sea of shag carpeting. He died young, not a member of the tragic 27 club, but at 42, which seems like a spring chicken to me now.

Lisa Marie was 54 when she died, just two years older than me, which makes me think that maybe she wasn’t the luckiest girl in the world. Her beloved son, Benjamin, took his own life in 2020 and she was grieving that loss, which she wrote about here.

The statement she made in that essay that resonated with me the most was this, “Grief is something you will have to carry with you for the rest of your life, in spite of what certain people or our culture wants us to believe. You do not "get over it," you do not "move on," period.”

The truth of that statement hit me this week at the funeral of my friend’s mom. The second I sat down in that church, tears streamed and pooled into my mask. I couldn’t stop crying and this is soooooooooooo not me. Sure I felt empathy for my friend and her loss, but I didn’t know her mom, so the waterworks weren’t really for Ruth Eastland. Although she sounded like a hell of a gal and the service was beautiful.

This crying jag was all about the death of my own mom, who never got a funeral due to Covid after her death in October of 2020. As I sat in that pew, guilt and grief and anger bubbled up inside me in a jumble of confusion. My eyesockets were the only escape for the sadness, so I dabbed at them furiously with wadded up tissues, as my grief counselor’s voice echoed in my head, “feel your feelings.” So, I did. I sat there and I felt them. I cried, I wiped my tears, I blew my nose. At one point, I had to leave the room as I was about to have a coughing fit, which during a pandemic might cause some panic. My first instinct with all my crying was to be ashamed and go hide in the bathroom until the service was over, but I didn’t. I returned with fresh tissue to cry some more.

Grief is normal. It’s the price we pay for love. And to love and to know love is lucky.